star-struck
I realized that the last blog entry I wrote got a little bit hot and heavy… that was the densest thing I’ve written since college. So today, to atone for the boredom I may have caused any of you who cared to read it (for the record it’s also the best blog entry I’ve written and you simply have no interest in current affairs, or life in general if you were bored), I am writing about something stupid. STOO-PID. The subject is something I loathe with all of my heart: celebrity sightings.
Yes, I of all people, the epitome of a hater of celebrity gossip, celebrity sightings at the shopping mall or club, or talk of celebrity relationships, or ALL things celebrity-related, will now list the celebrities I have sighted in New York City over the last five years. It is an extraodinary number- I know people in New York who have lived here for five years and never ran into one. The main reason I am doing this is to record the anecdotes for my own reference, to be used at cocktail parties and happy hours with star-struck women.
* There was a very late Tuesday night in 2002 at a club called Lotus where I was in close proximity to three celebrities, who each came separately. Matthew McCaughnahey was on the dance floor at the same time I was, with some chick, and he kept bumping into me. He was clumsy. Lisa Ling previously of the View and some National Geographic explorer type show was there- with three dorky Asian dudes. My friends and I conjectured on which one she was f**king later that night. And the best of all- one of the greatest rappers ever, Jay-Z cruised into the VIP room with his posse, including at least 7 hot women as the club put on his song, Big Pimpin’ I believe it was. I gave him a little "what’s up" nod and he nodded right back at me with a little grin which said, "yeah, you know it’s at, fool."
* Three years ago I assisted in organizing a big press conference for the Dave Matthews Band, who did a show in Central Park. We were quite close to the guys in the band during the event. Dave hugged an attractive female colleague of mine (she spazzed) as he walked by us. Then, by coincidence, Antonio Banderas jogged by on one of the park paths that day. I wanted to recite my favorite line from his move Four Rooms to him, "Don’t Misbehave," but I chickened out.
* On the other end of the spectrum, I volunteered for an event in Battery Park with Laura Bush. I had to admit that she is pretty attractive. I stood around, wearing a suit, just several feet away from her as she made a forgettable speech. She was nervous in delivering it. There was a lot of Secret Service on both sides of me, and I got to chat with them- more interesting to me than the first lady. I pretended to be one of them.
* On the topic of first families. Two weeks ago at Blue Ribbon I sat at the table next to Chelsea Clinton who was having a late-night snack like I was. She was on a date with some NY hipster type. She and I made eye contact. My eyes said, "I know who you are but don’t worry I won’t acknowledge you verbally and call attention to you." Her eyes were grateful. "I acknowledge that you are acknowledging me and thanks for not calling attention to me." I was struck by how much better she looked than when a radio station called her Sea Monkey Face at age 12.
* When I bartended I poured drinks for boxer Lennox Lewis and liberal actress Janeane Garafalo on separate occasions. However they were at tables, instead of at my bar, so I did not get to chat them up. While bartending I also saw Seth Green at the restaurant.
* I walked by comedian Martin Lawrence in 2001 on 122nd Street in Harlem.
* Walked by ex-NBA star/ politician Bill Bradley in 2001, midtown somewhere.
* Two days ago I saw the Bad guy from "Batman Begins" at Barnes & Noble. He was carrying a baby. I don’t know what the f*** his name is, but he kicked major ass in that movie.
* I walked by Liv Tyler and a group of her friends in the Times Square subway station a couple years ago.
* About a month ago I saw the guy who played Fonzarelli, aka "The Fonz" on Happy Days at the 5th Avenue subway station. I forget his name too. I was tempted to point to him and say, "heeeyyyyyyyyyyyy."
* Ben Stiller’s dad, Jerry spent some time at a facility that I help oversee, the West 79th Street Boat Basin marina in Central Park. I walked by him as he was coming out of the docks. He was wearing a baseball cap and is bow-legged.
* Speaking of the docks, a scene in the movie "Pride and Glory" was shot there. I hung out on the set and got to be close to two actors I respect: Jon Voigt and Ed Norton. I was talking really loudly with my colleague about stuff and Jon walked right up to me in between takes, tried to figure out what my deal was, and gave me a cold stare. He’s an intimidating old man. I guess you’re supposed to be quiet on movie sets.
* Mayor Michael Bloomberg shook my hand at a work-related barbecue.
* Donald Trump sat near me in the live audience for the reality show "Survivor." I didn’t tell him about the times I saw his daughter Ivanka drunk at my college parties.
* My buddy got sick seats for a U2 concert at Madison Square Garden- right behind Puff Daddy/P. Diddy/Sean Combs/whatever the f*** you want to call him. In the hallway, my friend slipped on some spilled beer and fell right into Puff Daddy’s chest on accident. We apologized and got out of there before his large man-friend could damage us.
* I saw the hilarious Kal Penn of "Harold and Kumar go to White Castle" and "Superman" fame at a hookah bar called Horus. I had just watched "Harold and Kumar" the night before. Imagine the coincidence. He was wasted.
* Saw his BFF/counterpart in the "Harold and Kumar" franchise, John Cho, at a Korean film party featuring a bunch of Korean actors, including him.
* At another evening at the nightclub Gypsy Tea I partied near Orlando Bloom and Liam Neeson who were there with the rest of the set of the Crusades movie.
* Ethan Hawke passed by me directly in front of my office in Central Park. He was carrying a backpack.
* Luke Wilson was holding court at the bar at Sushi Samba right by my group. He struck me as an extremely nice guy, willing to talk to strangers.
* Just last weekend I saw Nicole Richie at Pasha, which used to be known as the Sound Factory. Danny Tenaglia, my favorite DJ was spinning his late-night set. It was crowded to the point of fire-code violation, and Nicole had to slide past me at one point. Her boobs rubbed up against my chest. Nicole is surprisingly good-looking, although any involvement in the "Surreal Life" is a turn-off to me.
* I have to keep updating this post! It will never end! Several nights ago I attended Russell Simmons’ Def Poetry Jam, which was awesome. Many celebrities were in the audience near our group, but most notable to me were ex-Knicks players John Starks and Patrick Ewing. As a die-hard Pacers fan, I used to love the battles that Reggie Miller and the Pacers had against those guys in the 90’s, especially when Reggie stuck a knife in their backs on several occasions at Madison Square Garden. However, I have a soft spot in my heart for Patrick Ewing- a fellow Georgetown grad.
* Speaking of Russell Simmons, I saw him take out Indian food at a curry house in Murray Hill. I texted my friend who works for him, and she told me he is vegan and eats there all the time.
* Here is the one I’m most excited about: Fabio, the gentleman on all those soccer mom romance novel covers and "I can’t believe it’s not butter" commercials from 10 years ago, was at the Gansevoort Hotel, trying to decide which of the ladies in the room he’d get to fuck. He looked the same as he does on the book covers.
* Valentine’s Day ‘07: I got together with a large group of single friends in the East Village for an anti-Valentine’s Day. As soon as we got up from our table at the end of the evening, waiting for us to get up are Josh Hartnett and Maria Sharapova, obviously on a Valentine’s date. My female friends swooned at Josh, and I (subconsciously) gave Maria "elevator eyes." They are both tall people. Some quick Internet research by my friends paired Josh with just about every A-list female in the world over different nights in a 6-month span.
* In 2007 right in front of my office in Central Park, my Polish colleague and I ran into Zbigniew Bryzyznksi. If you don’t know who Zbigniew is, shame on you; he is merely one of the people responsible for helping bring down the USSR. By dumb luck I was with a Polish colleague who had a long conversation with him in Polish. Zbigniew jokingly pointed at me, and asked my colleague if I knew Polish. That would have been funny, if I were perhaps the only Indian in New York who knew that language. Zbigniew is a distinguished-looking old man, in a crisp suit, perfect posture, and a regal bearing. We shook his hand and gave him directions for the Park. Perhaps the finest foreign policy mind in America. My hero.
* How about B- listers? I stood in the subway next to Rick Lazio, the unfortunate politician who got beat in the 2000 Senate race by Hillary Clinton.
The next installment will feature the many celebrity sightings I have had in my pre-New York life. And also my own vomit.
