Descend into the Maelstrom

Let me start out by saying that I am a feminist, to the extent that a man can be one.  I like women .  I believe strongly that women should be given equal pay for equal work, that America is ready to have a female president, and that women should be welcome in boardrooms, in courtrooms, hauling construction debris, flying planes, or fighting to defend their country in foreign lands (not least because I sure as hell don’t want to go).

I would consider my sister to be an ultra-strong to ultra-ultra-strong feminist.  It’s probably no coincidence that she went to Smith College and does discrimination litigation for a living.  However there is one gnawing issue that I have with all women, feminists included, that I have been unable to resolve through conversations with her, other feminists, or non-feminists.  The problem is so pervasive that I’m not sure why there isn’t an army of Feminazis rioting in the streets to rectify the situation that is tearing apart their movement.  The problem is called makeup.

It’s true that in modern American times, both men and women preen themselves constantly, what with baths and showers, powders and perfumes, deodorants and colognes, hot tubs, hair gels and skin creams, haircuts, or shaves to the faces and various other body parts.  Whether it’s all necessary or not, I would argue most of this isn’t deception- it’s health-related.  Plus, smelling bad is poor form.

However makeup is a massive deception.  It’s a LIE and a FARCE.  It’s taking something natural and healthy, your face, and painting it in different, more flattering colors so that the rest of the world thinks that you actually look like the colors you painted on yourself, effectively creating a mask to hide behind.   

This phenomenon doesn’t annoy me, especially because I benefit by being able to look at a woman and smile internally, thinking she’s a 6 when she’s really a 5.  Be it far from me to wish to look at 5’s instead of 6’s on my morning commute.  Plus it’s everyone’s right to modify their appearance according to the image they have for themselves.  But it’s worth mentioning that until women stop wearing makeup, feminists will ultimately lose whatever credibility and progress they have made in the last few decades, most notably since the sixties.  It proves, more starkly than any other single practice, that women do not really want to be equal to men.  It proves that women are admitting their perceived inferiority to men every single day when they wake up and confront the rest of the world.  (gasp! Someone in the year 2008 actually said something he believes even though it might insult somebody!)

Catch your damn breath.  There are a couple of clarifications that are in order.  First, some men do wear makeup.  Actors, news anchors, and politicians especially.  In the realm of normal man-life it does happen, but we should all be able to agree that it’s not common.  In fact, on a few occasions I’ve decided to take on the world with some mascara and lipstick on, subtly applied by my female friends.  Although this turned out to be a great conversation starter with women and perhaps a subconscious confidence booster, I never did it again.  Few noticed anyway unless I pointed it out.  If a guy had noticed he probably would have wanted to fight me.  It was a waste of time and money.  On the flip side, there are some women out there who choose not to put on makeup.  God bless you- you are the only true feminists out there in my opinion, unless it’s because you can’t afford makeup.  However, this essay does not address either guys who wear makeup, or girls who don’t.

What we are talking about is all of the normal women out there who wear makeup, to make their lips look redder or purpler than they really are, who make their skin look lighter or darker or shinier than it really is, who make their eyelashes longer than they really are, their eyebrows and eyelids darker than they really are.  The ones who cover their blemishes and birthmarks and wrinkles and other nasty natural features with chemical substances mined from deep within the earth’s crust.  All so that they can look in the mirror at the end of the day, take it all off with yet another chemical solution, and grimace at themselves for the way they look without a mask on. 

Congratulations to you.  Each makeup product you buy is making some rich man richer, and to boot you are firing salvos at your feminist sisters worldwide with the cursed guns of fratricide.  In effect, makeup is the last unwon battle in the war to achieve equality for women.  How ironic that it isn’t the bigoted men out there who are leading the charge, but women themselves.

"But Mahanth," you say.  "I don’t look very good without makeup on." 

"I’d probably look better with makeup on too, hon, but I don’t need it.  I’m fine with the way I look.  I’m comfortable in my own skin," I respond.

"But everyone is used to me looking a certain way every day."

"The sooner that you present the new you, the sooner they will get used to the new you."

"But women don’t care as much about how men look, and men really care about how women look."

"Okay.  Maybe."

"And I don’t have the confidence that men seem to have, in the way I look."

A-HA !!!  There is the inferiority complex I was talking about.  As far as I have been able to ascertain, from women of all ages, this is where all the chips have fallen.  It is about confidence, or a lack thereof.  Men generally seem to be okay with the way they look when they get out of bed, and women do not.  I’m not sure I’ve ever understood this completely, especially with women who I consider to be stunningly beautiful without a smidgen of makeup on- the ones who could get a date with any guy who walked through the saloon doors, single or otherwise.  My opinion has been for many years that women are highly interested in not only impressing men, but also other women with their looks so that they can advance their romantic goals, career goals, power goals, financial goals, family goals, and most importantly security goals.   Women are convinced that to make it in this world, they have to do so with the assistance of Aunt Beauty, even of the type that’s even less than skin deep.

The cruel irony is that makeup doesn’t make many women look any better.  In fact, it is almost as likely to make a female look worse.  We’ve all seen the woman with the caked-up makeup on, trying to impress the people surrounding her, instead inducing vomit and vitriol.  "What a slut," another girl will inevitably say at some point, when Ms. Makeup is out of earshot.  To this day I’ve never heard someone say in Ms. M’s defense, "Maybe she’s not a slut, maybe she just put too much makeup on accidentally?"  That’s because the explanation is always accepted by both men and women, regardless of the evidence.

Pretty women are usually just as pretty without makeup on.  Seriously, does Liz Cho need makeup on to look good?  I think not.    If anything, the improvement is marginal, and demonstrates that even the real divas of our society, the few 9’s and 10’s who rule the hen house, are just as insecure as the mass of ladies below them on the food chain, just as obsessed with getting the mascara and lipstick on perfectly right.   It’s no coincidence that the real front page train-wrecks of our society tend to be gorgeous young women who wear too much makeup.

Ultimately my advice to women is for all of you to renounce makeup, for your own good.  I know what it might be like to lie about my appearance- if I go bald someday I’ve thought about rolling around with an Afro wig for kicks.  I cross-dressed one Halloween and turned on a lot of men including, most disturbingly, myself.  However, when the makeup is so much a part of your identity, and its application is being used as a shield to protect you from who you really are, you are not only lying to everyone around you, you are lying to yourself. 

Is it possible that you won’t look as good without makeup on?  Sure.  So think of what that means.  That you won’t find Prince Charming?  You won’t get that job?  Think again.  Don’t you want people to see you for who you really are- and respect you for being that person?  The sooner that you stop wearing makeup, the sooner the rest of the world will get used to it.  Men aren’t going to stop hitting on you, trust me.  We will all get over our initial shock and life will go on as usual.  Men still need you to spawn, and that’s never going to change.